1. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one that you haven't tried before.
2. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
3. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
4. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
5. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
6. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
8. Men are from earth, women are from earth, deal with it.
9. No man has ever been shot doing the dishes.
10. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
11. Opportunity always look bigger going than coming.
12. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
13. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it
14. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
15. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
16. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
17. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".
18. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share
yours with them.
19. You should not confuse your career with your life.
20. No one cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
21. You will never find anybody who will give you a clear and compelling reason why we
observe daylight savings time.
22. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think
she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
23. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal
about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
24. A person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
25. Your friends love you anyway.
26. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, a lone amateur built the ark. A large
group of professionals built the Titanic.